There’s no single “name” for them, you call them pakau(sad people), chipku (sticky people), pissu, (suckers) who will suck out happiness and life out of you. They are exhaustive, negative, upset, sticky people…this uneasy list is unending. Bitterness is all they can discuss. Even a telephonic conversation with them will be exhaustive and can turn otherwise philanthropic man to vindictive angry man. No motivation, no pep talk can fix it; when your upbeat is being beaten down, at least for the day.
Have you known or met any of this material, consumed with bitterness, who bore you endlessly about how their Ex “cheated” on them or how their bosses are uncooperative, incompetent, unassertive or have unusual expectations from them, how their siblings took away their share of paternal assets, how friends turned out to be mean, how dirty is politics….blahhHH. They can talk everything about anything from their subjective bitter point of view, hesitant to look for a solution; they will tell you how they are the biggest victims in every situation. They picture world as a threatening place where everyone is torturing them. Even when you make a futile attempt to divert to next topic, they are so conditioned that they can look for negativity in everything and they will come up with something else to complain about_ people, person, event, media, office, loved ones… you just name it!! Making moments light with a little humor enrages them.
Have you ever wondered how you fall into their trap in first place? When you talk to them their bitterness & complaint may seem justified in the first place, but as it proceeds they exaggerate the diminutive issue. It grows from a short normal conversation to the current subject of their anger/bitterness. They are naturally wired or maybe they always choose to pay attention to darker side owing to their negativity bias.
Many a times visiting patients tell me they don’t know how to deal with bitter people. If we get angry and take potshots back at them, their bitterness gets turned on you. On the contrary if you just stay there and say nothing; there is a big possibility they will blame you for something and turn their toxicity on you and end up not talking to anyone. Bitterness seems to have engulfed their entirety and we get afraid if they are passing on their bitterness to us. Its like wrestling with pigs in swamp, no matter what amount of time and energy you put into them, in that struggle you will end up getting dirty, unwillingly and unintentionally carrying an extra baggage, and these people will still be happy, like the pigs wallowing in mud. No matter what you do you will fall into the toxic trap of negativity, spoiling your day.
This is serious and if you have not noticed it yet!! Toxic people, (I wish there were less of them, but they seem to be everywhere)… are difficult to deal with. They can be your classmates, coworkers, friends, bosses, siblings, parents …etc. They fall in two categories significant others and insignificant others. Its easy to ignore insignificant others because they don’t affect you directly, like some Hi-Bye friend, some classmate, coworker (you know just by face and don’t even know their names), bosses whom you don’t deal with directly, but it becomes really tough and tricky when you deal with significant others, whom you see daily, talk frequently, with whom you share deepest of your thoughts. Consider for instance parents, bestest of friends_you love them you cherish the time spent with them. What happens when they turn bitter? Its not very uncommon, to have someone that close, that you want to hold on and yet could do nothing about their bitterness. When these significant, important people in life talk bitter, it leaves us like an emotional wreck wondering what just happened. Thoughts ping-pong back and forth whether to hold on or to let go. We stay because we still hold onto the memory from the best days; when they fitted into our idealized criteria. We become fearful of losing them completely and forever.
It’s a difficult proposition considering my own arguments, but there has to be some way to deal with them; so that we don’t get into ugly talks and save ourselves from getting consumed by bitterness. Here are few steps to save yourself before negativeness starts to wear off on you.
- Keep your polite distance
This option stands specially for people who are important and you look forward to stay in touch with them. Keeping distance will be really sad for you and them. They might blame you for being ungrateful for not visiting them. Smile and say it like a recorder “Its always very nice to meet you, but everyone is preoccupied and busy with their own life, so are we.”
- Confront and limit your time with them
Tell them how you are always going to love them, but if bitterness continues you will start disliking them and meet them less often and limit amount of time spend with them. You cannot afford to deteriorate your mental state by getting angry and end up hating them and stop seeing them anymore. Request them to comply in making the best out of situation and to maintain respect, dignity and unconditional love alive. Say it straight forward in a polite, but firm and no-nonsense way.
- Turn on neutral mode
Try it with insignificant people. If someone starts sprinkling bitterness on you by being mean or rude, turn on the neutral mode. As if you don’t know anything or you don’t understand anything. This might help you escape from slipping into volcano of bitterness. They will stop being circumstantial and come to the point.
- Ignore topic of arguments
When you know a person inside out, you know what triggers their “being bitter” mode. Avoid discussions on such topics on which both of you disagree and can get into an argument. Go smooth with common favorable choices.
- Ignore- avoid- Eliminate
This is an option of last resort especially with insignificant people. There is no point talking to them; everything said falls on deaf ears. I know I must be saying negativity can be altered, being a psychologist. My argument is why to spend time and energy to change someone else (especially if they are toxic) and exhaust yourself on someone, you hardly care about. Forget humanity..save yourself !! Only unfortunate solution is ignore>>avoid>>eliminate them.
Paulo Coelho said in The Alchemist “Intense, unexpected suffering passes more quickly than suffering that is apparently bearable; the latter goes on for years and, without our noticing, eats away at our souls, until, one day, we are no longer able to free ourselves from the bitterness and it stays with us for the rest of our lives.”