Should I really get married to this guy or shall I wait? Should I switch from my current job for new avenues? Should I stay here or go back to live with my parents? Whom to ask ? Someone should show me the way. From trivial choices to major life decisions we indulge in incessant questioning. Not just to self but with those around us. In response either they give their stark opinions or you just get a patting ALL IZZ WELL! ALL IZZ WELL! Krupa Aajaegi !! For those of us who doesn’t have many friends or are too nervous to speak out insecurities; IIN (internet) comes to rescue. If you have any sort of indecisiveness just google it “How to do business?” “How to establish a private practice?” and you’ll find amazing answers. Wikihow always makes it easy by giving clear steps. Not to forget about blogs, reviews, opinions, and if you are an avid reader look keenly and you will find “Enlightment” in the form of books and research papers in reference to your indecision.
The aim of seeking reassurance is to prevent imagined catastrophe and reduce harm, tension and distress. In essence it quickly diminishes anxiety which emanates from insecurity about uncertainty, leading to immediate relief. This band-aid relief does not last and reassurance-seeking returns. This backfires because it strengthens the belief that, had reassurance not been sought, anxiety may have increased and the feared consequence occurred. Thus, the behaviour is reinforced. Individual is on a continuous look out for updated information from different resources, polling every next person for their opinion, despite the fact that you know you are the boss. Dilemma continues because you are unsure or are paralyzed to act, fearing you will make a mistake. Excessive reassurance seeking begets low self confidence and further reassurance seeking. Unknowingly reassurance turns out to be addictive and worsens.
Modern evolving technology provides limitless information access, and ample options to choose from ; like aptly depicted by amazon “aur dikhao aur dikhao” ad. Yes with more options you have a variety to choose from but it also keeps the confusion going and we often seek reassurance to deal with this confusion. Asking others isn’t necessarily an unhealthy practice. There is NOTHING wrong with getting others opinions on things, weighing the pros and the cons of the possibilities, and then coming up with an informed decision. But it’s easy to fool yourself into thinking you’re only being thorough.
I won’t deny I do that too. I am usually confident of what do I want but when it comes to electronic appliances it’s a mess. I confess to having recently wasted an entire afternoon searching for a cordless phone for my office. In the process I troubled my friends for their opinion, asked local supplier for a demo, snapdeal, flipkart, amazon.. you just name it and I have seen it already. And I still haven’t placed any order .
Since its difficult to trust your own judgment about such experience, We need others to tell us what they think about it. May be you will trust their judgment. So how do you know if it’s a problem for you or just an occasional trouble? Are you not putting your fate into other’s hands ? Are you not believing that everyone else knows what is better for you to do than you do. If this is the way that you approach things, then there really is a problem, because for every person that you ask for reassurance, they will have a slightly different opinion or idea about what to do in the given situation based on their personalities and perception of the world, and therefore you will still have to ultimately decide what it is you want to do anyway. If this is the approach taken to take major decisions in life you will end up getting more stressed over time and doubt creeps in that may be you are inept at making good choices and that you need the assistance of others in order to get through life.
The only bright side is if anything goes wrong you have someone to blame instead of listening “maine to kaha hi tha, sunte nai ho” (I said so, U don’t listen) if you have taken a piece of advice already and not followed it.
How to be self assured and regain confidence?
Seeking reassurance in any form can have an unhelpful impact on the self and others. It results in unintended, potentially negative consequences in long run. Reassurance leads to brief reduction in anxiety but underlying fears are left unchanged and such behavior fail to extinguish. Expose one’s self to the anxiety-provoking stimulus, await reduction in anxiety over the short term and in the long term habituate one’s self to that stimulus. Risks are important otherwise we will continue to live with the costs of anxiety unless we choose at some stage to workout change.
- Exposure and Response Prevention
Enlist all the ways in which you seek reassurance. Make a hierarchy by ranking all these behaviours from easiest to most the difficult. Pick situation i.e easiest to change & practice it. Write your fears and consequences for this situation like What is the worst thing that can happen if you don’t seek reassurance? What is the chance that something bad will happen?
Now firmly stop seeking reassurance. Fake; being confident in your ability to not require any reassurance, till you make it. For example, if you reassure from 10 people, only ask one person just once! Re-evaluate your predictions like did anything bad happened ? Did it made any difference? Are there any changes in your confidence levels now?
- Deal effectively with Negative Automatic Thoughts (NAT)
Negative thinking often acts as a precursor to seeking reassurance. Often we ignore the self talk that we do; to the extent that we stop noticing it. It is important to know what you say to yourself when in crisis. If it’s the NAT that makes you more uncomfortable, then find an alternative thought which is based on balanced and realistic thinking. Counter NAT with logical alternative thought. Practice it to make it happen naturally.
Finally I will just say you might want to dismiss it saying it’s a common experience and there is nothing wrong in asking for opinions to make a good decision. But how much is too much that results in low confidence instead of doing good? So, make informed decisions, but YOU make them and YOU become responsible for the consequences of them. Otherwise, you will be ruled by the statements or perceived reactions of others to what it is you ought to do instead of choosing to do something for yourself.